|
News Articles...
Each month you can read the latest counselling notes on a variety of topics. If you would like to request a topic or seek information on an issue, please email Mandy at mandy@mwcounselling.com
Counselling Notes
August 2008
You as you are…
"You as you are, are better by far, than the you, you are trying to be" – this was a quote found amongst my late Mother-in-Laws stuff. She must have always kept an eye out for inspirational sayings and quotes as many of these were found – some she had written herself.
Over the years I have found myself quoting this, especially with clients or groups who are struggling with identity or questioning who they really are. I guess for all of us we wear different masks or hats at times, to fit in with whatever situation we are in at the time. At times, this is fundamental in our society. However, if our lives are lived under pressure to perform and succeed or we think we have to portray a certain image to be accepted, stress levels can elevate. A chameleon lizard has an amazing ability to change its colours to blend in with the surrounding environment as a means of camouflage. If it didn’t have this ability its predators would soon gobble it up.
Is that how you feel? If you don’t put on the right mask that you will stand out from that particular crowd and not fit in? It’s human nature that we want to be accepted and liked but reality is we won’t have an impact on everyone we meet. In our search for perfection in everything we do we soon forget who we really are. People strive for perfection for any number of reasons. Ask yourself the question sometime "Am I at this moment doing what I really want to do – am I portraying the real me – or am I wearing my camouflage so I won’t be different?"
We can use up a lot of energy trying to impress others or gain approval or friendship but our one true friend is really ourselves. If you put that energy into liking yourself you will always have one true friend. I have heard it said that if we don’t like ourselves, how could we expect others to like us. So, if you have one true friend – let it be you. Because…you, as you are, are better by far, than the you, you are trying to be.
Counselling Notes June 2007
Last month’s column focussed on communication and how this can be interpreted in many different ways. One very important part of communicating is listening…not just with our ears but with our minds. Again this is easier said than done and we all fall into the habit of not concentrating on the receiving of the message…more concentration is usually going into what we will say next. Below is a brief outline of three basic listening modes.
The Three Basic Listening Modes
- Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. So we pretend to pay attention - we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our response and planning our argument to make us the victor.
Passive or Attentive Listening occurs when we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. Unfortunately we assume that we heard and understand correctly – but we do not verify with the speaker if this is so.
Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.
Can you identify with any of these modes? Congratulations if you are already practicing active or reflective listening, however, occasionally we fall into one of the other styles. The important thing is you are now aware of the way you listen and communicate. Practice the active/reflective mode as much as you can and just see how much it improves relationships. After all isn’t it something we all want…to be really heard and understood!
Counselling Notes May 2007
Counselling Notes May 2007
What is "Communication"?
If you asked ten different people how they would describe "communication", chances are you would get ten different answers. It is such an integral part of our very existence that it’s astounding to think we’re not always that good at it. We mistakenly think it’s about talking to someone, or sending a message – yes that’s part of it – but we don’t often stop to think about how that message is being received. Do you ever stop to clarify whether the other person is receiving the message as you intended?
So, let’s look at what "communication" is. Put very simply "communication" is a two way process – being able to express our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively. It also means listening and understanding what others communicate to us. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
How can we communicate effectively? Firstly, we need to be aware of "blocks" or difficulties which can occur to prevent the message being interpreted or heard and make it difficult for the sender and/or receiver to decode the message. Some of these blocks are:
- Noise or distractions – e.g. phones, interruptions.
- Making judgements and assumptions about the speaker or the message.
- Body language or non-verbal elements contradicting with a verbal message such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
- Making the message too complex.
- Getting lost or forgetting your point or the purpose of the interaction.
- Being preoccupied and not listening.
- Only being interested in what you have to say and listen mainly to find an opening to get your point across.
- Only listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
- Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not understand.
Can you identify with this list? Are any of these "blocks" being used by you or others you are communicating with? This list is a good reminder for us all to brush up on our skills and become more aware of what the message really means that is being sent to us – and how we send our messages too. Next month there will be some additional information on listening modes. In the meantime, practice these skills and see how you can communicate more effectively and what a difference it makes in your relationships with others.
Counselling Notes April 2007
Trust
Have you heard the one… "open your mouth and close your eyes"…and in doing so ended up with a worm or snail instead of your (imagined) lolly or something tasty. I suppose most of us got caught out by "trusting" someone to deliver something other than snails or worms. This could be one of the first lessons we consciously learn that people don’t always behave the way we expect them to. What about "You can tell me…I won’t tell anyone"…only to find out later that your precious secret is now public knowledge. I suppose most (if not all) of us have had a similar experience, and, maybe this experience has made us wary of trusting people or situations. We live our lives assuming that we can trust people. The people who build bridges, cars, lifts, boats…the list goes on…we would and hope have done their job properly and that we are not in any danger of anything going wrong when we use these facilities.
Learning to trust is one of the earliest basic stages in our psychosocial development. Infants need to be able to trust that they will be fed, kept warm, and sleep in a comfortable relaxed way. Parents who reliably ensure daily routines and are responsive to their infant’s needs provide the basis for a trusting view of the world. Failure to develop trust may seriously interfere with a child’s sense of security and compromise the child’s ability to successfully master the challenges of the developmental stages that follow (Seifert, Hoffnung & Hoffnung, 2000)
The key to building and maintaining trust is being trustworthy. The more accepting and supportive you are of others, the more likely they will disclose their thoughts, ideas, theories and feelings to you. The more trustworthy you are in response to such disclosures, the deeper and more personal the thoughts a person will share with you (Johnson & Johnson, 1997). So, being trusting and trustworthy provides the crucial elements in relationships. We can only give these elements if we have them ourselves. Trust me…
Counselling Notes March 2007
Life’s not a competition
Recently, while playing "snap" with my grandson, I happened to "win" the hand and said, "I won". He turned to me and said "It’s not about winning Grandy, it’s about playing the game". Ouch!!!
This made me think about our lives and how being competitive can cause stress and anxiety. It’s unrealistic to believe we can always win, clearly, we aren’t always going to be first…so we need to be content with second place. If we are always trying to keep up with others we are putting a great deal of stress on others, and ourselves. We need to graciously sit back and let others take the limelight. If we can do this we are able to enjoy other people’s achievements without negative thoughts or envious feelings. To do this we need to be able to shift perspective or to view a situation from a different vantage point. To avoid self-absorption helps to make any situation less intense. It’s a bit like "walking in someone else’s shoes". If we can switch our focus to how others might be feeling we get a different perspective on the situation – or see the picture through a different frame. According to Richard Carlson (1997),
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, there is something magical that happens to the human spirit, a sense of calm that comes over you, when you cease needing all the attention directed toward yourself and instead allow others to have the glory.
So, next time you are in a situation that you want to be "top dog", or to be the centre of attention or are tempted to have ‘one-upmanship" – Ask yourself "Am I really listening to this person?" or "Am I jumping in with a better story or taking the focus off the other person back onto myself?" STOP. Surrender your need to hog the glory and experience the quiet inner confidence and peace that is derived from letting others have it.
Are you stuck in a rut?
Do you find it difficult to make any changes in your life or if changes do occur is it hard to make adjustments? Sometimes we are faced with challenges and change whether it is at work, home or in our personal relationships. Usually the first reaction is "I don’t want to go there" "It’s too hard – I like things the way they are". And this is a very normal reaction, especially if "change" means losing something that is familiar to you.
A way to deal with changes in our lives is to firstly look back and see what things have changed during our lives – how we felt then and now. Take decimal currency for instance (those of you who remember the old sterling system). This was a huge impact on our society and we had to re-learn a system, which, even though it was simpler, was still "new". Now – we don’t even give it a thought. There are numerous examples of societal and personal change, which we can recall and use as an example.
Once you realise that change is inevitable – we need to know as much about the "new" system as we can – so learning or researching what it is will help us to understand. Then looking at the issues of change – letting go, addressing grief and loss and talking about these issues. Knowing that the steps of grieving are no different for us when we lose a loved one, a job, a home or a lifestyle.
It’s not easy getting out of our "comfort zone" and if you can identify that you are having a struggle to cope with any changes in your life, setting new goals and moving forward, then it might be time to talk it over with someone. Counselling can often help you work through the process and give you a new perspective on what the changes may bring. Remember, that help is our there.
Mandy Waring
Counselling & Mediation May 2006
“Don’t worry – it may never happen”. How many times have we heard this said and not taken any notice but gone on worrying and stressing over things that may (or may not) happen. We plan and prepare for an event, covering every contingency, then whammo, something happens which wasn’t “on the plan”. It is important to note how we react to these sudden changes in plan… some individuals seem to be able to accept changes midstream and move in another direction. Others react in a negative way – becoming quite anxious and upset that their plans were interrupted or worse still “failed”. For some this “failure” or loss of control can be devastating and it is almost impossible for them to see an alternative solution.
Having the ability to accept that we have to rethink our plans is preferable, but how do we do this? It may be helpful to have the attitude that every situation is a learning and growing experience and asking ourselves “what is the alternative” or “will this matter a year from now?” can lighten the burden of (perceived) failure. Some things are meant to happen the way we don’t expect them to. Remember that there are no failures, just challenging experiences. Take the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and if we don’t like the way we react…then talk to someone who may be able to help. Remember the energy used to feel angry and overwhelmed can be put to better use engaging in creative or pleasurable experiences.
Mandy Waring
Counselling & Mediation
May 2006
|
