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News Articles...
Each month you can read the latest counselling notes on a variety of topics. If you would like to request a topic or seek information on an issue, please email Mandy at mandy@mwcounselling.com
Did you know you could change your mind?
I don’t mean in the way we can decide on one colour paint then decide to change it to another…no, what I mean is that it’s possible to re-wire our brains! I recently attended a conference in Sydney on the "Mind and Its Potential" which focussed on the extraordinary capacity of the brain to change and develop right throughout life. There was a line-up of outstanding speakers both from here and overseas and of course topping the list was His Holiness The Dalai Lama. Coming a very close second (in my opinion) was Dr Charlie Teo, the eminent brain surgeon who I am sure you have heard about. Other speakers were neurologists, scientists, psychologists etc but the main message was the plasticity of the brain and how, through exercise (both physical and mental) we can make changes.
The reason I am sharing this information with you is that it is common for us to start each new year wanting to make changes in our lives. This is when we decide to embark on a new hobby, study or exercise programme and just the prospect of this is very exciting. So imagine – not only will you be gaining new interests, knowledge or fitness level but you could be improving, maintaining or restoring mental function. According to one speaker, Dr Michael Valenzuela, mental exercise and cognitive training can modify brain reserve and so reduce dementia risk. Research has also found that to maintain and/or improve our brain activity requires three components – cognitive, physical and social. By this he said we need to be stimulating our minds, getting physical exercise and enjoying the company of others. He said two ways of achieving this is by learning to dance or travelling overseas. Think about it…both need you to remember new and complex things, you are getting exercise by way of dancing or in the case of travel, by walking, cycling, trekking etc. and last but not least social contact with others sharing laughter, conversation and good times. So it’s not rocket science that if we can factor these three elements into our everyday lives we will reap the benefits and rewards. So get your head around that and start changing your mind!
Let go of negative baggage
How often do you think we might misinterpret other people’s actions? For instance we are "ignored" by a friend or acquaintance walking down the street or someone doesn’t return phone messages or letters. Where do our thoughts immediately fly? It is so easy to be hurt by other people’s failure to live up to our own expectations – and this is what disappointment is – our belief that people ought to be doing what we expect of them. We don’t always think that there might be a very good reason for their lack of response. For instance they were distracted or not focussed while walking down the street and didn’t take much notice of their surroundings, or the letter may have been lost in the mail or they hadn’t had time to return your phone message…I could go on and on…there could be a dozen reasons why. The point is we have made an assumption that they are ignoring us.
How realistic is this when we know that we are probably guilty of the same thing and unless someone reminds us or speaks up about it we will never know that the person was offended. This can have long term effects on friendships to the point where people might never communicate again and the falling out has become permanent. This is hanging on to old baggage. According to Smollin, (2001) God Knows You’re Stressed, "old baggage blocks our perceptions and blinds us to ways we could move on". I often think we nurture and feed old hurts and resentments more than we realise. They act like a millstone that drags us down and prevents us from looking at things in a more positive light.
How do we let go? First of all it’s important to talk to someone to help you identify where these negative thoughts come from and why you are hanging onto them. It might be a simple act of ringing up an old friend, or writing a letter and expressing how you feel (remember to own your own feelings – they are not responsible for how you feel – you are). Again Smollin says, "remember when we carry old angers or old hurts inside, the only ones that are burdened with the weight of those are us – the ones holding on to them. We can let go".
I will leave you with a thought – I often use this example with clients, it’s something I picked up at a workshop years ago. Look at the word "assume" – simply break it up ASS/U/ME – look at it – it makes an ass of u and me.
Ever kept a diary or written in a journal?
If you have you will probably already know the benefits of this practice. Recording thoughts and feelings can be very therapeutic, especially for people who have difficulty expressing themselves to others or don’t quite know if it’s OK to have certain feelings or think certain thoughts. There are different types of journals or diaries but the one I am focussing on is one in which you can just write what you want without fear of judgement or constraint. Some people like to do this on a computer, others have books or scrapbooks in which they write, draw, paste pictures etc. A journal is such a personal possession that it’s often decorated by the writer to make it unique. Whatever medium you choose there are no rules. In her book "Creative Journal Writing" Stephanie Dowrick claims journal writing is not about setting goals or constraining – it’s all about the process, it’s freeing, without criticism or judgement. How you write, what you write, matters only to you. You are writing to please no one but yourself.
Getting started is the hardest part of any new behaviour or practice so the less anxiety you put on yourself the better. I often encourage my clients to start a journal while they are having counselling and I am amazed at how creative they are – they often amaze themselves more and it can become quite addictive. People who have experienced trauma early in their lives are often unable to feel and process emotions, so by free-writing they can get these feelings out onto paper, then in a counselling session they might share some of their writing to make sense of it. It need only be a line or two or it can be as much as you like but the key is to try to choose a time and place where you will be uninterrupted for 5 or 10 minutes. Make a special place for yourself where you feel relaxed and peaceful, sit quietly for a few minutes and see what comes to you then start writing – it doesn’t have to make sense – just enjoy the freedom. I will finish with a quote from Anne Frank "I want to write, but more than that, I want to bring out all kinds of things that lie buried deep in my heart."
Dealing with disasters!
What a start to the New Year 2009 – here it is only February and Australia has already shown us the full force of its diversity with floods in the north and bushfires in the south. In these times of crisis the nation’s, and the world’s, hearts go out to the people who have suffered such severe loss of loved ones and property. We all want to do something whether it’s in a practical way or to offer emotional and spiritual support.
The physical and material needs are paramount at times of crisis then the opportunities and support for people to express their grief and loss. And what a wonderful network of services we have which move in and work like a well oiled machine to provide the essential needs to people in crisis.
However, the majority of us are (physically) removed from where it’s all happening but nevertheless some people can still be deeply affected by these incidents. It might trigger past experiences or leave us with feelings of guilt or anger. This is a time to be aware of how you might react to events such as these. Some of the symptoms which follow from exposure to a crisis or trauma range from eating & sleeping patterns disrupted or changed, feeling numb, angry, guilty or hypervigilant or experiencing "flash backs". It is normal to react in this way and counselling can help to work through these issues to minimise their impact.
On the other hand if you are in a situation where you need to support someone experiencing trauma, listening, encouraging the person to talk about their experience, and acknowledging their feelings. It’s inappropriate to say "get over it" or "time will heal" – if you don’t know what to say - say nothing – perhaps a hug is all they need from you.
January 2009
New Year – new beginnings – new resolutions to do it better this year. The tradition of making New Year’s Resolutions is one way in which we can stop and take time to think about how we might live the next year. Perhaps putting some thought into utilising our time better, being more aware of relationships with others (and ourselves), setting goals with an aim to study, travel or start a new career or make some changes in our lives whether they be large or small. Another important resolution might be greater awareness of our precious environment and the resources, which we take for granted that are being rapidly depleted.
All this sounds pretty overwhelming doesn’t it? It needn’t be though – if we take more time to be mindful of our every moment and what we are doing then it need not be so onerous. After all, we are doing things anyway, just be focussed on what the task is at the time and be aware of the senses involved.
I recently received (via email) a list of "38 Ways to Enjoy a Powerful Year". Now I don’t normally worry too much about reading all the "junk mail" but this one I did and I even printed it off to keep. It’s pretty simple but it does remind us that we need to take time for ourselves as well as giving to others in very simple ways. The message which comes from the list is basically to nurture yourself more by taking time to relax, read, walk or just "be", not to let other people’s issues become your own, if there is anything you need to do to mend rifts or build bridges, then do it, and last but not least live your life with peace and harmony. These sound like pretty good New Year’s resolutions to me! Happy 2009 everybody – remember – the best is yet to come.
You as you are…
"You as you are, are better by far, than the you, you are trying to be" – this was a quote found amongst my late Mother-in-Laws stuff. She must have always kept an eye out for inspirational sayings and quotes as many of these were found – some she had written herself.
Over the years I have found myself quoting this, especially with clients or groups who are struggling with identity or questioning who they really are. I guess for all of us we wear different masks or hats at times, to fit in with whatever situation we are in at the time. At times, this is fundamental in our society. However, if our lives are lived under pressure to perform and succeed or we think we have to portray a certain image to be accepted, stress levels can elevate. A chameleon lizard has an amazing ability to change its colours to blend in with the surrounding environment as a means of camouflage. If it didn’t have this ability its predators would soon gobble it up.
Is that how you feel? If you don’t put on the right mask that you will stand out from that particular crowd and not fit in? It’s human nature that we want to be accepted and liked but reality is we won’t have an impact on everyone we meet. In our search for perfection in everything we do we soon forget who we really are. People strive for perfection for any number of reasons. Ask yourself the question sometime "Am I at this moment doing what I really want to do – am I portraying the real me – or am I wearing my camouflage so I won’t be different?"
We can use up a lot of energy trying to impress others or gain approval or friendship but our one true friend is really ourselves. If you put that energy into liking yourself you will always have one true friend. I have heard it said that if we don’t like ourselves, how could we expect others to like us. So, if you have one true friend – let it be you. Because…you, as you are, are better by far, than the you, you are trying to be.
Are you Listening?
Last month’s column focussed on communication and how this can be interpreted in many different ways. One very important part of communicating is listening…not just with our ears but with our minds. Again this is easier said than done and we all fall into the habit of not concentrating on the receiving of the message…more concentration is usually going into what we will say next. Below is a brief outline of three basic listening modes.
The Three Basic Listening Modes
- Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. So we pretend to pay attention - we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our response and planning our argument to make us the victor.
Passive or Attentive Listening occurs when we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. Unfortunately we assume that we heard and understand correctly – but we do not verify with the speaker if this is so.
Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.
Can you identify with any of these modes? Congratulations if you are already practicing active or reflective listening, however, occasionally we fall into one of the other styles. The important thing is you are now aware of the way you listen and communicate. Practice the active/reflective mode as much as you can and just see how much it improves relationships. After all isn’t it something we all want…to be really heard and understood!
What is "Communication"?
If you asked ten different people how they would describe "communication", chances are you would get ten different answers. It is such an integral part of our very existence that it’s astounding to think we’re not always that good at it. We mistakenly think it’s about talking to someone, or sending a message – yes that’s part of it – but we don’t often stop to think about how that message is being received. Do you ever stop to clarify whether the other person is receiving the message as you intended?
So, let’s look at what "communication" is. Put very simply "communication" is a two way process – being able to express our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively. It also means listening and understanding what others communicate to us. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
How can we communicate effectively? Firstly, we need to be aware of "blocks" or difficulties which can occur to prevent the message being interpreted or heard and make it difficult for the sender and/or receiver to decode the message. Some of these blocks are:
- Noise or distractions – e.g. phones, interruptions.
- Making judgements and assumptions about the speaker or the message.
- Body language or non-verbal elements contradicting with a verbal message such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
- Making the message too complex.
- Getting lost or forgetting your point or the purpose of the interaction.
- Being preoccupied and not listening.
- Only being interested in what you have to say and listen mainly to find an opening to get your point across.
- Only listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
- Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not understand.
Can you identify with this list? Are any of these "blocks" being used by you or others you are communicating with? This list is a good reminder for us all to brush up on our skills and become more aware of what the message really means that is being sent to us – and how we send our messages too. Next month there will be some additional information on listening modes. In the meantime, practice these skills and see how you can communicate more effectively and what a difference it makes in your relationships with others.
Trust
Have you heard the one… "open your mouth and close your eyes"…and in doing so ended up with a worm or snail instead of your (imagined) lolly or something tasty. I suppose most of us got caught out by "trusting" someone to deliver something other than snails or worms. This could be one of the first lessons we consciously learn that people don’t always behave the way we expect them to. What about "You can tell me…I won’t tell anyone"…only to find out later that your precious secret is now public knowledge. I suppose most (if not all) of us have had a similar experience, and, maybe this experience has made us wary of trusting people or situations. We live our lives assuming that we can trust people. The people who build bridges, cars, lifts, boats…the list goes on…we would and hope have done their job properly and that we are not in any danger of anything going wrong when we use these facilities.
Learning to trust is one of the earliest basic stages in our psychosocial development. Infants need to be able to trust that they will be fed, kept warm, and sleep in a comfortable relaxed way. Parents who reliably ensure daily routines and are responsive to their infant’s needs provide the basis for a trusting view of the world. Failure to develop trust may seriously interfere with a child’s sense of security and compromise the child’s ability to successfully master the challenges of the developmental stages that follow (Seifert, Hoffnung & Hoffnung, 2000)
The key to building and maintaining trust is being trustworthy. The more accepting and supportive you are of others, the more likely they will disclose their thoughts, ideas, theories and feelings to you. The more trustworthy you are in response to such disclosures, the deeper and more personal the thoughts a person will share with you (Johnson & Johnson, 1997). So, being trusting and trustworthy provides the crucial elements in relationships. We can only give these elements if we have them ourselves. Trust me…
Life’s not a competition
Recently, while playing "snap" with my grandson, I happened to "win" the hand and said, "I won". He turned to me and said "It’s not about winning Grandy, it’s about playing the game". Ouch!!!
This made me think about our lives and how being competitive can cause stress and anxiety. It’s unrealistic to believe we can always win, clearly, we aren’t always going to be first…so we need to be content with second place. If we are always trying to keep up with others we are putting a great deal of stress on others, and ourselves. We need to graciously sit back and let others take the limelight. If we can do this we are able to enjoy other people’s achievements without negative thoughts or envious feelings. To do this we need to be able to shift perspective or to view a situation from a different vantage point. To avoid self-absorption helps to make any situation less intense. It’s a bit like "walking in someone else’s shoes". If we can switch our focus to how others might be feeling we get a different perspective on the situation – or see the picture through a different frame. According to Richard Carlson (1997),
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, there is something magical that happens to the human spirit, a sense of calm that comes over you, when you cease needing all the attention directed toward yourself and instead allow others to have the glory.
So, next time you are in a situation that you want to be "top dog", or to be the centre of attention or are tempted to have ‘one-upmanship" – Ask yourself "Am I really listening to this person?" or "Am I jumping in with a better story or taking the focus off the other person back onto myself?" STOP. Surrender your need to hog the glory and experience the quiet inner confidence and peace that is derived from letting others have it.
Are you stuck in a rut?
Do you find it difficult to make any changes in your life or if changes do occur is it hard to make adjustments? Sometimes we are faced with challenges and change whether it is at work, home or in our personal relationships. Usually the first reaction is "I don’t want to go there" "It’s too hard – I like things the way they are". And this is a very normal reaction, especially if "change" means losing something that is familiar to you.
A way to deal with changes in our lives is to firstly look back and see what things have changed during our lives – how we felt then and now. Take decimal currency for instance (those of you who remember the old sterling system). This was a huge impact on our society and we had to re-learn a system, which, even though it was simpler, was still "new". Now – we don’t even give it a thought. There are numerous examples of societal and personal change, which we can recall and use as an example.
Once you realise that change is inevitable – we need to know as much about the "new" system as we can – so learning or researching what it is will help us to understand. Then looking at the issues of change – letting go, addressing grief and loss and talking about these issues. Knowing that the steps of grieving are no different for us when we lose a loved one, a job, a home or a lifestyle.
It’s not easy getting out of our "comfort zone" and if you can identify that you are having a struggle to cope with any changes in your life, setting new goals and moving forward, then it might be time to talk it over with someone. Counselling can often help you work through the process and give you a new perspective on what the changes may bring. Remember, that help is our there.
“Don’t worry – it may never happen”.
How many times have we heard this said and not taken any notice but gone on worrying and stressing over things that may (or may not) happen. We plan and prepare for an event, covering every contingency, then whammo, something happens which wasn’t “on the plan”. It is important to note how we react to these sudden changes in plan… some individuals seem to be able to accept changes midstream and move in another direction. Others react in a negative way – becoming quite anxious and upset that their plans were interrupted or worse still “failed”. For some this “failure” or loss of control can be devastating and it is almost impossible for them to see an alternative solution.
Having the ability to accept that we have to rethink our plans is preferable, but how do we do this? It may be helpful to have the attitude that every situation is a learning and growing experience and asking ourselves “what is the alternative” or “will this matter a year from now?” can lighten the burden of (perceived) failure. Some things are meant to happen the way we don’t expect them to. Remember that there are no failures, just challenging experiences. Take the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and if we don’t like the way we react…then talk to someone who may be able to help. Remember the energy used to feel angry and overwhelmed can be put to better use engaging in creative or pleasurable experiences.
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